When Does Tragedy Arrive?

Have you ever wondered what life will be like after you're dead and gone?
Will the flowers be pretty, will it be the casket you want, where will you be laid to your permanent rest?
Who will come to your funeral, who will cry the hardest?
Have you ever thought that you wanted to be in control of your destiny, deciding yourself on the way you'd go out?
The diseases and ailments that people die from today are vast and varied.
There is no way to "die beautifully."
Ever thought, "If I run the car off the road, right here, into those trees, it will all be over and I won't have to worry about ______.  The roads are slick, it will look like an accident and no one will be mad at me for killing myself."
Suicide is pretty vain every way you look at it..
It's selfish and rebellious.
I've thought about suicide not as a means to an end, but thought about whose hearts I'd break if I did.
(This is not a suicide letter by any means, I'm not contimplating suicide at all.
A friend's daughter's friend's mother killed herself this weekend over money troubles.)
I have too much to live for and most of my reasons are pretty selfish.
Well, they all are.
Rachel's Reasons for Not Committing Suicide: I don't want an autopsy, I hate flowers, I'll miss seeing so-and-so's ugly baby grow up, I'll miss seeing so-and-so get married, I'll miss seeing so-and-so get divorced, I'll miss my own wedding, I'll miss my own babies, I'll miss Boots.
On and on and on.
I'm not going to do it.
I am going to chase this thought rabbit that runs through my brain though.
(Has anyone else notice that my thoughts do kind of just run around from one thing to another?)
I think that most of us live our lives in extended anticipatory grief stages, bouncing back and forth between them and sometimes even repeating.
When we're teenagers, we think we're never going to die and we live our lives with reckless abandon.
That's Denial.
When we're a little older than teenagers, we start to realize that everyone and everything must die.
Live can't continue forever.
That's Acceptance.
When we hear about someone less than forty years old having a stroke, almost wrecking the car, and killing her family, but being saved by her youngest ten year old son, and being diagnosed with a brain tumor, we wonder why things like this happen in the prime of someone's life.
That's Anger.
And possibily some Depression.
We realize that we don't usually get a say in what happens to us.
We realize that whatever it is is going to happen to us and most times it's out of our hands.
Acceptance again?
Depression maybe?
The bottom line is, we all have to die.
It will be ugly, either tragic or debilitating.
We will die horrifically or either peacefully after long battles with various illnesses.
We never know when it's coming for us, unless we plan it.
I don't recommend planning your death.
Too many things can go wrong when humans start playing God.
Just let it happen.
Hope for the best and live life the way you want to remember it.

Traditions/Superstitions

Here in America (or maybe I should just say "Here in this South" since I can't really speak for the rest of the country) we believe in eating black eyed peas, cornbread, greens, and hog jawls on NYD.
Why?
Because its a long standing tradition.
Because they say its good luck.
Because they say it will bring you money in the new year.
Whatever.
I ate two ham and cheese sandwiches with mustard for lunch. 
We'll see how my luck runs this year.

Dear Car,

Why, with it being less than four days before Christmas and I haven't finished all of my shopping yet, would you decide to go off the deep end and start sputtering and smoking and much blinking of the "check engine" light?
Sigh......
I love you and you've been very faithful although at times I have strayed.
Am I not giving you enough attention?
I just spent $420.25 on that gas tank thingy.
Was that not enough?!
Are you trying to bust my checking account so that we can spend more time together (i.e. me sleeping in the car?!?)
I thought you loved me.
I'm upset but I'm going to do what you want because you have a way of holding it over my head if I don't.
I can't do this every month.
Please get well soon.
~Rachel