When Does Tragedy Arrive?

Have you ever wondered what life will be like after you're dead and gone?
Will the flowers be pretty, will it be the casket you want, where will you be laid to your permanent rest?
Who will come to your funeral, who will cry the hardest?
Have you ever thought that you wanted to be in control of your destiny, deciding yourself on the way you'd go out?
The diseases and ailments that people die from today are vast and varied.
There is no way to "die beautifully."
Ever thought, "If I run the car off the road, right here, into those trees, it will all be over and I won't have to worry about ______.  The roads are slick, it will look like an accident and no one will be mad at me for killing myself."
Suicide is pretty vain every way you look at it..
It's selfish and rebellious.
I've thought about suicide not as a means to an end, but thought about whose hearts I'd break if I did.
(This is not a suicide letter by any means, I'm not contimplating suicide at all.
A friend's daughter's friend's mother killed herself this weekend over money troubles.)
I have too much to live for and most of my reasons are pretty selfish.
Well, they all are.
Rachel's Reasons for Not Committing Suicide: I don't want an autopsy, I hate flowers, I'll miss seeing so-and-so's ugly baby grow up, I'll miss seeing so-and-so get married, I'll miss seeing so-and-so get divorced, I'll miss my own wedding, I'll miss my own babies, I'll miss Boots.
On and on and on.
I'm not going to do it.
I am going to chase this thought rabbit that runs through my brain though.
(Has anyone else notice that my thoughts do kind of just run around from one thing to another?)
I think that most of us live our lives in extended anticipatory grief stages, bouncing back and forth between them and sometimes even repeating.
When we're teenagers, we think we're never going to die and we live our lives with reckless abandon.
That's Denial.
When we're a little older than teenagers, we start to realize that everyone and everything must die.
Live can't continue forever.
That's Acceptance.
When we hear about someone less than forty years old having a stroke, almost wrecking the car, and killing her family, but being saved by her youngest ten year old son, and being diagnosed with a brain tumor, we wonder why things like this happen in the prime of someone's life.
That's Anger.
And possibily some Depression.
We realize that we don't usually get a say in what happens to us.
We realize that whatever it is is going to happen to us and most times it's out of our hands.
Acceptance again?
Depression maybe?
The bottom line is, we all have to die.
It will be ugly, either tragic or debilitating.
We will die horrifically or either peacefully after long battles with various illnesses.
We never know when it's coming for us, unless we plan it.
I don't recommend planning your death.
Too many things can go wrong when humans start playing God.
Just let it happen.
Hope for the best and live life the way you want to remember it.

Confession Last Friday

So I stalk this girl named Amanda.
She's pretty rad in a totally-opposite-of-me way.
She's all girly and in with fashion and I just kinda throw on whatever's clean so I'd say that's totally opposite but that's neither here nor there.
Amanda has this wonderful habit of "Confession Friday" every Friday.
Last Friday, for the first time ever, I confessed on Amanda's blog comments.
I read through the other people's comments and I was like, "She will so skip over mine," in my head.
Buuuuuuuuutttttttttttttttttt......Amanda thought it was cool.
Check it out here.
Today has been a total craptastic day due to the impending doom of the NBE and work and blah blah blah but apparently, bad days can be cured just like that! with a nice mention on someone else's blog.
By the way, am I bitter?
;)

Its Like An Awards Show, But For Blogs!

Wow!
I'm so honored!
Brenda over at Mummy Time nominated me for this awesome award!
I honestly don't know what to say.
If anybody has found me via Brenda, thanks for popping over and tell her I said "Hey!"
(It's my first, am I gushing?)
Here's the award:

Am I scrappy?

Pshhhh!

Doesn't matter, beggers can't be choosers.

I'll take it!

Here are my ten honest facts that you probably don't know about me.
If you do know these things about me......I'll make it up to you I guess.

1.  I am a cheese lover. 
I love cheese. 
I will eat it on/with anything!

2.  I'm not one for heroes but man I love Martha Stewart.
She is so crafty!

3.  I'm a closest rap-music enjoyer.
I'm anticipating T.I.'s release from jail.

4.  I'm as redneck as they come but I am not trashy.
(I have lived in a few trailers though.)

5.  A year ago I thought I had a serious drinking problem.
Turns out it was just the guy I was dating.

6.  I am a cheapskate, spendthrift, tightwad, whatever you want to call it.
I like good buys and bargins on good, practical things.

7.  I get excited when no one sits near me in church because then I can sing as loud as I want to and nobody cares how bad it is.
(It doesn't take much to excite me, I know.)

8.   I'm teaching myself to cook and things are going fairly well but pretty bad.
I've only almost burned down the house once.

9.  I consider myself better than most of the kids my age because I'm completely self-supporting and have been for about two years now.
I pay all my own bills (my car is completely paid for), I don't ask anybody for money, I work at least 40 hours a week and go to school fourteen.
It is possible and I don't have to answer to anybody.

10. My biggest fear about my job is getting locked in the cooler. 
I know its only 42 degrees in there (compared to the temperatures outside, that's summer right now!) but I'm terrified of the door shutting on me! 
I prop the door open with anything I can find when I have to go in there.


Now it's my turn.
I have 9 wonderful followers.
Five of them will recieve this award (Brenda won't because she already has it) and I will include four blogs that I follow that you may or may not know about.
1. Travel and Dive Girl
2. Marnie
3. Lea
4. Pearl
5. Chris
6. Pioneer Woman
7. Zakary
8. Matt
9. Bakerella


Ok, there's my list.
Do some readin'!
......If you want to!

The Horror!

They've blocked Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter on the computers at school!
How. Am. I. Supposed. To. Communicate.
>:(